My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
