I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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