upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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