my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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