she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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