I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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