Apparently you make a good broom.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
