I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
