I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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