Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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