I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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