Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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