Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
