Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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