I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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