my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
