Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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