If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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