Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
These tits shall not be calmed
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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