$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
