i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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