You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
