I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
