I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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