You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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