Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
