It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
