I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
