our cab driver is having phone sex.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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