Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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