Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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