Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
