tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
