what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
