you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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