I'm so fucking centered right now
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
