I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
