i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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