I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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