was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
