get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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