Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
