College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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