8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
