I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
