I cannot find my penis.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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