Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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