There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
