If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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