She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
