and she was petting her beer can
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
